Things I am going to love about China 9 of 100.

Chinese Food- or in the words of Chandler Bing - “There, they just call it food.”

It is a well known anecdotal phrase in China that “they eat everything with wings except an airplane and anything with legs except the table and chairs” Of course in recent years this has been simplified to “They eat everything except the tables and chairs”.

The phrase may have been shortened due to some of these delicacies on the Chinese menu: Spiders, Monkey Brains, Bee Larvae, Duck Fetus, Rats, Bird Spit, Ox Penis, Snake Blood, and even a partially digested coffee bean from the poo of a small cat-sized mammal (The last being considered a delicacy and the most expensive coffee bean in the world- selling for hundreds of dollars per pound)

So why, do you ask, is this on the list of stuff I’m going to love about China? Look. I can be a picky eater. I detest olives, mushrooms, coconut, seafood, most tropical fruits including pineapple, any kind of green herb, and even almond extract. But even though I hate these dishes, I will still eat them. From time to time I will even reevaluate the preferences of my taste buds. As a rule, I try most everything at least once.

Hell- look at the stuff I've eaten in Kazakhstan.
Horse meat = Good!
Fermented Horse Milk = Vomit!

The thing is some people might think leaving the head on a bird while eating it is gross, but what people forget is they are one apocalypse away from having to scavenge to find food. As a resident of Almaty, Kazakhstan, I know that if the bomb drops tomorrow I’m feasting on street dog.

There is a wonderful scene from J Marten Troost’s book “Lost on Planet China” where he struggles to choke down several live squid while they squirm on his plate. Now, if this had been Troost’s first encounter with Chinese food I’m sure he would have given up, but this was Troost’s turn-around moment in the book. Troost explains how he becomes an animal, ripping the squid apart with his teeth as the uneaten ones watch in horror- waiting to die.

Look. We’re all omnivores. It’s in our DNA. Personally I don’t feel it would be wrong to try and let my primal side take over for a while. It’s part of who I am as a member of Homo Erectus. I've eaten cow and chicken all my life thinking nothing of it. Now it’s time to look at my prey in the eyes and say “Yes, I know that you are a living creature and I am going to devour you with full knowledge that you will not enjoy the process”

Bring on the Spiders. Bring on the Monkey Brains. Bring on the Duck Fetus, the Bird Spit, the Ox Penis. Bring on the Snake Blood, and the partially digested coffee bean. And, yes, bring on the squid.