Things I am going to love about China 9 of 100.

Chinese Food- or in the words of Chandler Bing - “There, they just call it food.”

It is a well known anecdotal phrase in China that “they eat everything with wings except an airplane and anything with legs except the table and chairs” Of course in recent years this has been simplified to “They eat everything except the tables and chairs”.

The phrase may have been shortened due to some of these delicacies on the Chinese menu: Spiders, Monkey Brains, Bee Larvae, Duck Fetus, Rats, Bird Spit, Ox Penis, Snake Blood, and even a partially digested coffee bean from the poo of a small cat-sized mammal (The last being considered a delicacy and the most expensive coffee bean in the world- selling for hundreds of dollars per pound)

So why, do you ask, is this on the list of stuff I’m going to love about China? Look. I can be a picky eater. I detest olives, mushrooms, coconut, seafood, most tropical fruits including pineapple, any kind of green herb, and even almond extract. But even though I hate these dishes, I will still eat them. From time to time I will even reevaluate the preferences of my taste buds. As a rule, I try most everything at least once.

Hell- look at the stuff I've eaten in Kazakhstan.
Horse meat = Good!
Fermented Horse Milk = Vomit!

The thing is some people might think leaving the head on a bird while eating it is gross, but what people forget is they are one apocalypse away from having to scavenge to find food. As a resident of Almaty, Kazakhstan, I know that if the bomb drops tomorrow I’m feasting on street dog.

There is a wonderful scene from J Marten Troost’s book “Lost on Planet China” where he struggles to choke down several live squid while they squirm on his plate. Now, if this had been Troost’s first encounter with Chinese food I’m sure he would have given up, but this was Troost’s turn-around moment in the book. Troost explains how he becomes an animal, ripping the squid apart with his teeth as the uneaten ones watch in horror- waiting to die.

Look. We’re all omnivores. It’s in our DNA. Personally I don’t feel it would be wrong to try and let my primal side take over for a while. It’s part of who I am as a member of Homo Erectus. I've eaten cow and chicken all my life thinking nothing of it. Now it’s time to look at my prey in the eyes and say “Yes, I know that you are a living creature and I am going to devour you with full knowledge that you will not enjoy the process”

Bring on the Spiders. Bring on the Monkey Brains. Bring on the Duck Fetus, the Bird Spit, the Ox Penis. Bring on the Snake Blood, and the partially digested coffee bean. And, yes, bring on the squid.

Things I am going to love about China: 8 of 100.

Public Transportation

Cathy and I are starting our eighth week without a car in Almaty, Kazakhstan. Cathy’s transmission gave out in mid-December and we have been at the mercy of our friends, the Fitzgerald’s, to get to school every morning. This is why owning a car sucks. Not only is it expensive (in any country) but it is unreliable (especially in winter climates).

The average American spends over $1,500 on gas each year. Now tack on insurance and repairs and you’re looking at over $3,000 dollars per year to own a vehicle. Most people spend an average on 17% of their paycheck on their personal automobiles. Now $3,000 dollars is a lot of money for me and I’d rather spend that money on a month-long trip to some tropical place.

Enter China. Not only is my school going to be a 5 – 10 minute walk from my apartment, everything that I need is going to be within a 5 – 10 minute walk from my apartment. This includes McDonalds, Starbucks, Papa John's Pizza, Wallmart, Dunkin’ Donuts, KFC and I am only listing the western brands (these are things I cannot get in Kazakhstan).

Now, I know what you are thinking. I can’t get everywhere by walking and that’s true. I’m going to want to get out of my neighborhood and swing over to Hong Kong every once in a while. Great! It’s a $15 ferry ride and in an hour-and-a-half I’m there! If I want to go west? A brand new subway system is ready to take me to over 100 locations for 30 cents and the subway ends at my front door.

With 1.5 billion people, China cannot afford the traffic. That is why the public transportation is some of the best in the world. Public transportation in Kazakhstan? Forget busses, (they are confusing and totally unreliable) only gypsy cabs – a glorified means of hitchhiking- will get you where you want to go.

Oh, glorious China, here I come!

Things I am going to love about China: 7 of 100

Bears.

We want to love them, cuddle them, and squeeze them. We want to make cartoons about how they love to eat honey and bumble happily through the wood. We give them to our children -filled with fluff and stuff- and say, "here cuddle this, it will keep you safe" But behind all the cuteness, most people forget that BEARS WILL EAT YOU!

No species more perfectly emulates this paradox like the Giant Panda. The mammal sits on its butt and eats its chutes and leaves. But people forget that even though 99% of a Giant Panda's diet is bamboo they are still belong to the order of Carnivora. Oh yes, Panda's will eat you.

Oh yes- we humans can even make the most ferocious beasts of the world out of be cute. But that's not the most atrocious thing we've done to this proud species (and, no, I'm not referring to the "Jack Black" movie or its sequel) Over the past hundred years we have poached these wild bears and destroyed their habitat reducing their population to a mere thousand.

Oh, We have tried to amend for our terrible atrocities. Over the past few years we have even tried to repopulate the bears with the use of Bear Porn and Viagra (See links below). But though we succeed in artificially inseminating the panda's, we have never been able to give these black-and-white monster's their pride back.

So, while in China -though I fully to intend to visit the Giant Panda in the little cages that we have put them in- if I ever encounter one in the wild I will look on with full knowledge that if I get too close (like Grizzly Man before me) it will, undoubtedly try and make me its lunch.

Panda Diet = 99% Bamboo. 1% Human-Flesh

(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/2246588.stm) Bear Viagra
(http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/01/25/panda.passion/index.html) Bear Porn

Things I am going to love about China: 6 of 100

The Terracotta Army

Over 2,000 years ago an emperor had an idea: "Hey," Quin Shi Huang thought to himself, "I've already got a real army, now I want a toy army".

When I was a boy the most disappointing thing about my Star Wars Kenner action figure collection was that I only had one Stormtrooper! I mean, I had all the other good guys; Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, Lando, Ackbar- hell, even Nien Nunb. But who are they going to fight against? One storm trooper?

Now Quin Shi Huang had it right. Not only did he commission an army of 8,000 soldiers, 130 chariots, 520 horses, and 150 cavalry to be built for him- they were life size- bigger even! And they were each individualized. The original Kenner action figure collection fit for an emperor! Even Palpatine would have been jealous!

Quin Shi Huang liked his collection so much that they were buried with him, for two millennia, until they were unearthed in 1974 by some local farmers.

Today, the collection remains unearthed at the resting place of Quin Shi Huang in Shaanxi province, not so far from where I live now, but even closer to where I am going to be living next fall. So will this manufactured wonder warrant a trip from yours-truly? You bet your clay-based-unglazed-ceramic ass it will! Maybe I’ll even bring along my lone plastic Kenner storm trooper.