Brock's China Blog

Things to Love about China: 41 of 100

2011-10-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

Vegetable Flavored Popsicles

I've only been in China for two months now and I've seen so much. Between actually working as a 10-year-old teacher and exploring Shekou, I have managed to see as many as seven other very different Chinese cities. I've hardly had time to scratch down my experiences as words. But I've wanted to do this blog for a while, so here it is.

Pea and corn flavored popsicles! I've never been one to mix healthy food with dessert but who is? I first encountered this oddity during my trip to the beach about a month back. My Ukrainian friend, Natalie, purchased the pea-flavored treat and we all tried some. What can I say, it tasted like peas.

I have since seen these popsicles all over the country. It seems quite popular. I know people keep corn and peas in their freezers, maybe one day they decided they weren't going to wait for the vegetables to thaw and then they thought they were on to something.

That's all I've got for now, but there is more coming as I just spent a weekend in glorious Hong Kong.

~Brock

Things to Love about China: 40 of 100

2011-10-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

Yangshuo County!

The Chinese Nation

2011-09-28T16:40:00.001-07:00

Brock finally gets off his couch and ventures through China

Things to Love about China: 39 of 100

2011-09-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

The Beach

When I joined thirty of my fellow teachers for a three-day beach vacation, I didn’t quite know what to expect. In Wisconsin our beaches are all on lakes and in Kazakhstan… well, let’s just say it is, literally, the furthest geographical location from any ocean. So when I stepped off the bus and found a long sandy coastline with giant waves and blue water, I was a little culture-shocked. Did I really live near the ocean? The real ocean? I guess so.

The sun was out, the tide was out, and there were giant islands and monoliths jutting out of the water. My first inclination was to explore, so without any supplies (or sunblock) I ran off with my wife, my friend Matt, and an art teacher named Brittan.

We were hiking towards an inlet -or is it an outlet- at any rate my friend Matt had the need to climb a giant cliff face at the end of the beach. He figured it was about a ten-minute hike, but I could already tell that the part of his brain that estimates distance wasn’t functioning properly. To me it looked like a half-day hike.

Eventually the beach turned from sand to rock and we stopped at a little store for some beer. I also bought some sandals because I had been hiking barefoot and I somehow knew that I was in for some crazy adventure. After we threw a few back and set out, one of the store workers (who we later named Gollum) followed along.

When hiking with my friend Matt I am often reminded of a ADD teenage boy who sets out for something big without planning ahead. Though the other three of us had at least brought a shirt and a pocket full of money, Matt had left behind even these essentials. He did bring a Frisbee, but since he didn’t want to carry it he kept pawning it off on the rest of us.

When we reached the rock we had been hiking towards, Matt again showed his caution-to-the-wind attitude. “You guys climb the stairs. I’m climbing the rock face”

I was getting thirsty and my neck was starting to burn, so I wasn’t in the mood to argue. Cathy and I pushed ahead, while Matt and Brittan took the long-way-round.

At the top of the cliff Cathy and I found some stairs leading up to an observatory. I figured we came all this way, why not a few more steps. Cathy followed because she thought that there might be water and a magical doorway home at the top of the mountain.

For-hundred or so stairs later Cathy was feeling really dehydrated. I asked her if she wanted to turn around, but she insisted that we push on. “There will be water and a fast trail home at the top”, said she. The advice of a dehydrated woman going into panic mode, I thought.

We reached the observatory and found a lone guard inside. Cathy immediately, and without shame, banged on the door and begged for “Schway, Schway” (Water, Water). The guard came back with a nice cold bottle of water, free-of-charge, and pointed us to a magical road that would take us back to the beach. I hate being wrong, but sometimes its a good thing.

Before we got to the road, Matt and Brittan caught up with us. Our quasi-guide (slash stalker), Gollum had pointed them up the staircase so that they would not lose us. We all drank some more of the magical water that Cathy had conjured for us and then walked down the “Deus Ex Machina” path that so brilliantly saved our butts.

That night, under the harvest moon, it was all barbeques and fireworks. We sat on the beach and conversed with the locals. They wanted to hear American songs and all I could think of was “American Pie”. They reciprocated with some Rick Astlley song that had somehow made it big in China- but they thought the lyrics were “Take me to your house” instead of “Take me to your heart”.

As the night grew longer and we grew more intoxicated, I thought back to my time in Kazakhstan. I had only been in China for a week now, and already had more positive experiences with the locals than my entire two years in Kazakhstan. People in China are very friendly and approachable. They aren’t around you because they want something from you, they just want to talk, laugh, and get you to sing Rick Astley with them.

There’s something about beaches that put people on an equal playing level. Whether you are a teacher or you make LED light blubs or you are the Prince of Wales, on the beach you are just a schmo with a Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks. Maybe that’s why Kazakhs are so unrelateable- they have no beaches, just fancy sports cars and high-heeled shoes.

As the fire shrinks into coals and the Chinese begin to retreat to their tents, I gaze at the Autumn moon. I’ve gazed at that moon from many places, but never from China. I realize that there is probably no better place to be right now than under this moon on this beach. Here’s to you China- “Take me to your House”.

Things to Love about China: 38 of 100

2011-09-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

Delivery... Anytime... Any day.... It's Free!

Smurf Village

2011-09-05T04:28:00.000-07:00

Brock's Video Blogs are back!

Things to Love about China 37 of 100: Mooncakes

2011-09-02T18:58:00.001-07:00

Hello all. After a long summer of traveling, partying, and getting married, I have landed safely in China (and have been living two crazy weeks). There are so many experiences that I have not yet been able to capture on camera or in words, but please know that Cathy and I are very joy-filled and satisfied with our new lives.

In the next few months I have a lot to blog about as I explore this strange world called China- but when contemplating where to begin I can think of nothing better than Mooncakes.

I first discovered mooncakes when one of my little Chinese students brought a plastic-wrapped pastry to my desk and said "For you, teacher," she said.

I took the pastry, cautiously, and asked "What is it?"

She smiled and said, "Mooncake".

Often when I encounter new foods in China I pick up my chopsticks and dig-in without asking too many questions, but this Mooncake looked to me like a pandora's box - anything could be inside. I carefully took a nibble and was surprised to find that I did not despise it. It tasted, if nothing else, a little bit like Pecan Pie. Now don't get me wrong, i'd rather eat a pecan pie any day, but this little Mooncake wasn't too bad.

I took a bigger bite and ventured in further. There were seeds and nuts and some cubes of geletin-like substance. It was almost good! I kept chomping when I happened upon a small surprise: a round orange thing about the size of an egg-yolk. I didn't quite know what to do with this globular-treasure. I know that Chinese love to mix up textures as you partake (bubble tea is one example of this), but I wasn't sure about this orange ball stuck in my pecan-pie.

I scraped the orange thing with my teeth. Salty- an interesting flavor to find in a pie. I decided not to finish the ball and ate around it. I proceeded to find first one, then two more of the orange-mysteries and ate around them as well. When I took my last bite, all I had left were three salty spheres (later research would reveal these to be salted duck eggs)

Later, when my student saw me she asked if I had enjoyed the mooncake. I rubbed my tummy and smiled (although I wasn't quite sure if I enjoyed the experience or not). Never-the-less eight new mooncakes had arrived on my desk by the next morning. "For you," she explained.

And now I am a mooncake connoisseur. Those of you Angry-Bird players may have even spent time searching for them in the new Angry-Bird-Seasons update: "Mooncake Festival". Indeed, Mooncakes are the traditional gift given away during the Mid-Autumn festival for lunar-worship coming up next weekend- though, connoisseurs should be warned, the average mooncake packs in 800 - 1200 calories and are not friendly to those looking to drop a few pounds.

More to come!

~Brock

Things to love about China: 36 of 100

2011-05-19T06:12:00.000-07:00

The Chinese Zodiac

Brock's New Year

Once upon a time in China there was a race. The Jade Emperor called the twelve animals of the kingdom to him. He had wanted to assign each of the animals a position in the Chinese Zodiac and had decided that the order in which they arrived to meet him would determine their order on the calendar.

The most difficult leg of the journey was the river. The Ox being strong and mighty was able to ford the water and thought he would surely win- but the Rat, the most clever animal, managed to stowaway on his back and jump to the other side just before the Ox was able to win.

The nimble Rabbit was able to cross the river by jumping from stone to stone and when he was about to fall in –bless his luck- he was able to grab hold of a floating log. The Rabbit managed to reach the emperor fourth, right behind the strong Tiger.

The winged-Dragon came in 5^th because he was busy helping all the creatures of the Earth (Which pleased the emperor). The Horse was about to take 6^th place but a sneaky little Snake had been hiding in his hoof. The Horse was scared and the Snake took 6^th instead.

The Goat, Monkey and Rooster were next to arrive. They had worked together and crossed the river on a raft. The Dog arrived 11^th because it was too busy playing and the Pig last because it was too busy eating and sleeping.

And so, for the last five-thousand years, the twelve-year cycle has repeated: Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, Pig.

While most of the world considers January 1^st the beginning of the New Year, it is celebrated in China in late January or early February. For a teacher, however, I am on a different calendar all together- that of the school year and my year is about to come to a close.

This year, my second year of teaching, was a big one. I proposed to my girlfriend, I received a transfer to a new country, I travelled to ten different countries and in a few months I will be legally married in the great province of Ontario.

In August my new year will start. I will have brand new friends. A brand new job. I will be far away from Kazakhstan (and Wisconsin) living in a place where it hasn’t snowed since wooly mammoths roamed the earth. Yet, I have no fears for the future. I have friends where I go and a brand new wife to travel with me and- even more- I am a Rat and I always win the race.

This video is nutso...

Things to love about China: 35 of 100

2011-03-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

You are winding your way up a mountainous road in the California dessert. Suddenly one of the cars swerves off of the shoulder. You stop. Other cars stop. You and several strangers run down the hill and see if the driver is still alive. He is, but badly injured. Blood and dirt cover his face and he is only able to get a few words out. “Three-Hundred and Fifty Thousand Dollars,” he says “Buried in Santa Rosita State Park…under a Big W,”

Then, the injured man kicks the bucket (literally) and you wander back to your cars. You all agree to slowly drive down to the Mexican Border to Santa Rosita. You sit back in the driver’s seat. At first, the line of five cars make their way slowly down the pass, but suddenly someone takes off. The race is on.

This is the plot of “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” (1963). The concept is simple, but genius. Several groups of pedestrians are racing through the world, seeking fortune. They must use planes, trains, cars, boats, and whatever other means to find it. They are out in the world, interacting with people who don’t know what they know.

The concept has been copied several times: From the American Films “Million Dollar Mystery” (1987) and “Rat Race” (2001) to Bollywood’s “Dhamaal” (2007). There is the short-lived Fox drama “Drive” and the long-running reality show “Amazing Race”. I even plotted out a version of this story when I was a kid… and again in college I wrote a similar story about my dorm friends.

Of all these versions (including my own), it is the “Amazing Race” who really turns this concept into something epic and exciting. I have to admit that I have only recently discovered the show, but it has quickly turned into my favorite reality television series. The series has run eighteen seasons, has seen seventy-six different countries, and won the first seven Emmys in Outstanding Reality Series.

Eleven teams of two people must race in the world’s biggest scavenger hunt. They must compete in challenges, solve puzzles, eat yucky things and the winners receive one million dollars. The race typically visits twelve countries in a season and has visited China in nine of its eighteen seasons, making China the number one raced-through country, other than the States.

And what’s not to love about China? It’s big and grand and there are so many climates, cultures, and cities that you can choose from. You can explore the Great Wall or wash windows in Shanghai. You can eat fish-eyes in Beijing or dodge Kung-Fu fighters in Hong Kong. Take a dive off the world’s highest sky-jump in Macau or light sky-lanterns in Taipei.

This past year, China even launched its own version of the “The Amazing Race” called “The Amazing Race: China Rush” in which teams of expatriates living in China raced around eleven Chinese cities. The show has been renewed for a second season and upon discovering this I thought, “Hey, I’m an expatriate who will be living in China, why don’t I apply?”

Of course this is just a dream, isn’t it? I mean, I have a job, I can’t stop teaching to race around China. But then I think QSI offers a year sabbatical after six years of teaching, which means I only have four years left. I could race around China or, maybe, even around the world. I could win a million dollars!

Or I could not win a million dollars. There are endless possibilities, really. My life is an amazing race. China might be but a pit-stop in that race, or it may be an extended stay, I don’t know yet. What is it that Doc Brown said? “Your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has. Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one.”

Things to love about China: 34 of 100

2011-03-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

Trains

When trains were invented in the 1800’s, 18mph was an unheard of speed- but steam engines could do it. Americans marveled at the fact that this steel machine could (with the power of boiled water) move faster than a horse.

Even two-hundred years later, trains continue to fascinate us in a way we can’t truly understand. Think of trains in Hollywood films such as: Mission Impossible, Transsiberian, The Darjeeling Limited, Harry Potter, Murder on the Orient Express, Throw Mama Off the Train, The Great Train Robbery, Strangers on a Train- the list goes on.

And what better way to start a story: Someone sits on a train reading a newspaper. It’s like the train itself is a symbol for the plot speeding along and there isn’t anything anyone can do to stop it- the films Unbreakable, Gandhi, and The Tourist spring to mind. There are also those stories where the climax of the story takes place on a train – Broken Arrow, Back to the Future III, and The Wastelands by Stephen King.

In King’s “The Wastelands” the book ends in a cliffhanger where the characters are trapped on a futuristic super-train that can travel faster than the speed of sound (Blaine the train runs mainly on the plains). Now it’s been over twenty years since King’s book was written and, though no train can even come close to making a sonic boom, we have come a long way from 18mph.

China happens to have the world’s fastest passenger trains and, also, the world’s longest high-speed train system. Most high-speed trains in China cruise at about 220mph (twice as fast as high-speed railways in Europe) and the Maglev Line in Shanghai clocks-in at 268mph and that’s one fast train.

*Now, it’s true, that Japan’s JR–Maglev can reach speeds of 361mph, but this is an experimental vehicle that does not yet, carry passengers- so if you want to move faster on land than you ever have before, China is the way to go*

At this point in my classroom one of my student’s would probably say something like “But, Mr. Raabe, trains are outdated. We have planes now. Planes are faster,” – at which point I would respond “Wrong! High-Speed trains are a much better means of travel when you consider: price, security checks, boarding time, layovers, luggage check, inclement weather, space and comfort.

Indeed, studies have concluded that when traveling distances of 150-550 miles, High Speed Trains are the most economical, environmental, comfortable, fastest, and cheapest way to travel and this is especially true for Chinese Trains.

It’s no surprise that China leads the world in transporting passengers per year. It’s also no surprise that for railway usage the United States ranks one of the lowest in transporting passengers (I mean who uses Amtrak). The US takes passengers fewer miles than most European and Asian Nations and it only slightly beats Kazakhstan (a country where I have never actually seen a train).

I can only conclude by these statistics that a majority of the readers of my blog have never, in their lives, been on a train- which is crazy considering this is the same country that is so obsessed with locomotives in literature and film and the song "Locomotion".

The train was invented in Great Britain, glorified in the United States, but now it is China that has perfected the train. You can buy your tickets here: http://www.chinatraintickets.net/

Things to Love about China: 33 of 100

2011-03-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

Baoding Balls

My dad was the kind of father who would go off to faraway places and bring back a suitcase load of presents. Looking back in my mind’s eye, it is amazing how many little toys my normally frugal-father would bring back for his friends and family. I realize now that this image of my father probably inspired me to travel the world.

I remember from Russia he brought back several sets of Matryoshka Dolls and a bunch of old soviet pins. From Vietnam he had silverwear made from shrapnel of crashed US aircraft and a Ho Chi Minh T-shirt. The clearest memory of my father’s gifts however is from China: he brought me a panda thimble, a terra-cotta warrior statue, a piece of the great wall, a set of small Chinese Buddhas and a pair of Baoding balls.

I’m not sure what happened to the Baoding balls but I remember they were luminescent, blue, and had pandas on them. It is obvious to me now that I may not, at the time, realized what the purpose of the balls were, but I do remember the chiming noise they made when they moved.

Baoding balls, like massages, are a form of medicine in China. They are used, not only to improve dexterity and strength, but to assist in recovery from injuries. When the Baoding balls were first invented five centuries ago, they were made of solid iron. Today most are hollow and feature a chime inside which creates a singing sound when the balls move.

Baoding, like juggling, is an art form. The object is to rotate the spheres in your hands as fast as possible without them touching. Experts can rotate the balls at phenomenal speeds and some can even rotate three or four in each hand. Olympic body-builders sometimes use large shot-put balls in this manner in order to develop muscles and improve grip.

I don’t know if this is a skill I have the patience to harness but I think I will be buying a few sets of these because, if nothing else, they look nice and sound nice. Now that I am a world traveler, like my father before me, I enjoy bringing home bags of souvenirs to my friends and family, so if you would like a nice shiny set of Baoding balls respond to this post and I’ll try to bring some back for you.

Check out the following videos and see how many you can juggle:

Two

Three

Four

Five

Things to Love about China: 32 of 100

2011-03-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

A long time ago the world was a mysterious place. When you travelled to strange lands you would find strange animals, foods, and people that you never knew could possibly exist. Today, in the age of Wikipedia, we think we know everything there is to know. Why leave your home when the world is at your fingertips?

As a traveler I can tell you that the world is still a mysterious place filled with surprises. The internet is a wonderful thing but even when you spend hours blogging about a country that you have never been to, you’ll never quite get the feel of that place until you are there.

China is full of weird and wonderful things and my blog showcases only a few of them. Today, I bring you some weird and wonderful fruits that you probably can’t get in your local grocery store.

Let’s start with Durian, the king of all fruits. This spiky food is the subject of much debate in many Asian countries and has been banned from many public places in the world. Some people say this fruit tastes like heaven, but most people agree that this fruit smells like the rank-demons of hell. This is a very popular fruit in many, many Asian countries, but the smell (to some) is unbearable and has been compared to rotten onions, vomit, gym socks, skunk spray, sewage and surgical swabs. It can be smelled from yards away and for this reason has been banned from airports and subways.

Next up is Dragonfruit. I think I have seen this in the States but the fruit still fascinates me. Technically known as Pitaya this fruit is very mild and fresh tasting. It is best served chilled. The health benefits of dragon fruit are many and include weight reduction, blood-pressure control, and cancer prevention.

We all love watermelons, but they are big, bulky, and they roll. For merchants this means that they don’t ship efficiently and many break during the shipping process. Solution? Square watermelons! This idea may sound like something out of science fiction, but it is incredibly genius and simple. To grow a square watermelon simply place it in a square container while it grows. You can use this same process to grow a square anything! You can even use other shaped-containers to grow a variety of shaped-things. Square watermelons are common in Japan and can be found in China also.

This little pink fruit is related to the lychee but is a little pinker and a little spikier. The rambutan fruit can be found inside its vibrant shell and looks like a ping-pong ball. This fruit tastes sweet (like perfume) and is used to make chilled desserts or in tropical salads.

These are just a few of the wonderful strange fruits of Asia. We live in a strange and tasty world and new things are out there, waiting to be eaten. So do yourself a favor, go down to your local Walmart and try something new this week.

"Buddha's Hand"
(The Octopus Lemon)

Things to love about China: 31 of 100

2011-03-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

Aboriginal Tribes in Taiwan

Who owns Taiwan? This subject has been in debate throughout the history of man. It has been colonized by the Dutch, the Chinese, the Spanish, and the Japanese. Control over Taiwan has changed so many times that the first inhabitants died out over ten-thousand years ago. Even today, people aren’t sure who rules the island.

Taiwan’s government is officially known as the “Republic of China” which differs from the “People’s Republic of China” on the mainland. The People’s Republic of China insists that the “Republic of China” does not exist, which is a bit like if the US claimed that the Canadian government did not exist and that the US owned Canada.

When touring Taiwan you have a couple of options: You can visit the west (the cities) or you can visit the east (the aboriginal communities). I could probably write a couple of boring paragraphs about the cities including Taipei and the second tallest building in the world (indeed my first draft of this blog included these things) but let’s move on to the aboriginals, because it’s more interesting.

Taiwan has nineteen aboriginal tribes (or abo-diginals for you Derek Zoolander fans). These make up about 2% of the population with 98% of the population being Han Chinese. It is thought that the southern tribes migrated from Malaysia and Polynesia. No one knows where the northern tribes came from but guesses include Vietnam, Mongolia, and Japan.

Our first stop on this virtual tour is Sun Moon Lake, home of the Thao. The lake is famous for its striking blue water and mountainous backdrop. Many Chinese couples choose to spend their honeymoon here. Lalu Island, in the middle of the lake, is holy ground for the Thao people. The Thao people offer tours of the lake in special canoes made from hollowing out tree trunks. Being Taiwan’s smallest tribe- the Lalu consists of only five-hundred individuals.

Our next stop is WangXiang Village, home to the Bunun Tribe. The village lies right under Yushan, the Island highest mountain and one of the highest in the world. The tribe use to consist of fierce headhunting warriors, which explains why they have survived so many invading governments. Today the tribe hunts and traps food in the mountains. The Bunun people are also known for their stylish vocal music.

Next we head over to Orchid Island, a small volcanic rock that is home to the Tao (or the Yami). The Island is famed for crystal clear water and stunning coral reefs and rock formations. Here the Tao carve giant wooden canoes and practice spearfishing.

These are just a few of the ancient cultures of Taiwan. They have lived through many ruling governments and are still living in their ancient ways. They are the survivors and no matter what government has control of Taiwan they will continue to survive.

Things to love about China: 30 of 100

2011-03-10T04:01:00.000-08:00

Massages

Alright, let’s paint a picture. It’s a bright sunny day and you are on your way home from work with a dozen friends. Your kids are with the nanny, so there is no rush. Your house cleaner is coming on Thursday, so there are no chores to be done. So you stop at a local pub for some food and drink. After you are stuffed it’s still light out so you all decide to head to the wellness clinic for some massages.

Alright, maybe this sounds like a dream, but this is what people do when they live overseas. Things like nannys, drivers, house cleaners, and personal masseuses are realistic and are affordable. Studies have shown that expats living abroad are happier and healthier in their new-found life. Even teachers can partake in these types of luxuries.

My friend Kyle described one night where he and his friends went out drinking after school, then went up for massages, then went back down for drinking, and then went back up for more massages. This may seem extravagant, but think of massages as a sort of preventative medicine- Like flossing or taking your vitamins. Your joints are relaxed; the pressure released; your stress will disappear.

In China massages are not only for the wealthy. They are seen as an important external medicine and are, traditionally, given to babies, elderly, and the sick.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a professional massage before (other than from a chair), but I have to admit I am excited by the idea. Maybe while I’m at it I can get some acupuncture too. Always remember: it’s not too late to drop what you’re doing in life and move with me to China (I have guest rooms)

Things to love about China: 29 of 100

2011-03-09T05:10:00.001-08:00

Sleeping in Pods

Pods are in right now. I mean look at the iPod: You have all your music, movies, games, and pictures on one small little device. This is the way of the future, ladies and gents: one small device for all your stuff. Digital is in and actual is out, so who needs space?

Certainly not Dai Haifei, the 24-year-old Chinese architect who built a little pod-shaped house for himself. Dai was sick of high rent prices and was able to solve his problem with a little under a thousand dollars. Now he sleeps on the street corner, tucked in his away in his little pod-home. Not only is the pod low-on-rent but it also is high on efficiency. It runs entirely on solar power and is complete with a water tank and an electric lamp.

Another pod designed for big Asian populations is the capsule hotel. These frugal little rooms start at about five-bucks a night and can be a cost effective way to travel or live in Asia. Though, capsule hotels are found mostly in Japan right now (as Chinese authorities deem them a fire hazard), they are sure to spread around the globe as the world population continues to climb.

But pods aren’t limited to the financially-struggling. They are great for the business world too! Exhausted Hong Kong business persons are also now turning to pods for rest. A Hong Kong work day is long and stressful and the streets are bright and noisy at night. There is no time or place where anybody can get any shut-eye.

The solution? The Sleeping Pod. These are devices custom-designed for employees of big Chinese businesses who need to get a well deserved nap. Shopping Malls are installing them everywhere and busy employees are flocking down like sheep. Inside the pod the sounds of the city vanish and is replaced with some good old fashion Whale-songs.

With a growing world population, humans are going to have to learn to live with less space (and less stuff). Trust me, as an overseas teacher, I can’t afford to have very many things because every time I move somewhere it costs money to ship my stuff. Yet in a world of Kindles, and iPads, and digital-photo-frames people can get by with less material items and still be happy.

If some of you out there are claustrophobic: Get over it! Remember, our ancestors slept in caves and our predecessors will sleep in pods. In the overpopulated world of the future it will be the only way to get some privacy.

Things about China: 28 of 100

2011-03-05T23:12:00.000-08:00

Sand Storms

The sky grows dark. A whistling sound whips through the air. People shield their eyes and seek cover. This is the eleventh or twelfth time this year that the city of Beijing has been under attack. The capital of China has seen many wars in its history, but never one as harsh as this. The enemy? Sand.

Sandstorms (yes, like the ones in Star Wars and Dune) use to be very uncommon in China, but the deserts of Central Asia are growing and the future looks dim. The Gobi Desert is already the fifth largest desert in the world and each year a Delaware-sized chunk is added onto it. Every second, this desert edges closer and closer to Beijing.

Though some may think this a natural disaster, there isn’t much natural about it. The current desertification of China is attributed to the lack of precipitation which is attributed to the gargantuan amount of pollution that China is spewing out of its factories each year. There is so much pollution in China that ninety-nine percent of its population breathes air that is deemed not-safe by the European Union.

So as China’s skies grow smoggy, less rain falls, and China’s deserts grow bigger. It seems that in a decade’s time China will be as sandy as Tatooine. But wait! There is hope yet! The Chinese are not so quick to surrender. They have a war plan and that plan is called “The Great Green Wall of China”.

Yes, the Chinese are planting trees at alarming rate. The sixty-year tactic to combat the encroaching Gobi, includes an aerial-bombing of the enemy with seeds. A great forest now covers a half-million square kilometer area in northern China. It has quickly grown to be the largest artificial forest in the world!

But the battle is not over. Many of the planted trees have already perished due to disease, winter storms, and lack of water. As fast as trees are being planted, the desert is killing them off again. Many scientists think the tree planting is doing more harm than good. China is criticized for planting quantity, but not quality. Thus, the battle rages on.

So how will the war end? Will China be able to find a way to plant super-lab-grown-Ent-like-trees and save its lands? Will the desert overtake Beijing and turn its people into desert-dwellers? Will giant sandworms come out of the ground and eat all of the spice miners?

Personally, I have no predictions as to the outcome of all this sandblasting. I am going to be safe from the storms in Southern China. But I do have a battle plan of my own. I want to see Beijing, in all its glory, before it turns into the Mos Eisley Space Port (a wretched hive of scum and villainy) And if the deserts take it before I get there? Well that's OK, I've always wanted to live through a sandstorm.

Things to love about China: 27 of 100

2011-03-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

McWeddings

The world is in an economic crisis. People are jobless, in debt, declaring bankruptcy; but that isn’t going to stop them from getting married. So in this economic crisis, why not save a few bucks and get married at McDonalds!

That’s right! It’s McWeddings! What better to way to celebrate the joining of two people than at the world’s largest fast food chain with Ronald and the gang.

Now this may sound a little low-class, but watch as your favorite McDonald’s is transformed into a classy banquet hall. The employees (acne-faced teens by day) are magically changed into waiters in black suits. They serve you a lavish meal of Big Macs and fries. There is a signature book and balloons; food and gifts for fifty guests. There is even a cake made out of stacked apple pies! Trust me, this is a bride’s dream!

Alright, you think this is crazy, but weddings are crazy! In the U.S. most people spend half or all of their yearly salary on one wedding day. In Hong Kong, weddings are an even bigger affair! There is an average of 500 guests and it will cost you 30 to 40 thousand dollars, (which is a lot of money in China). McWedding prices start at just over a thousand-dollars; A very-affordable way to spend the most important day of your life.

I know, I know, the word “tacky” is still in your head. In the States the upper and middle class look down on McDonalds. It’s seen as a low-class joint that you only eat at when you're on a road-trip. This isn’t true in Asia. McDonalds, to them, is a nice sit-down place. It’s way classier than street food or a tea house.

A young Hong-Kong couple that recently couch-surfed at my apartment talked about how their wedding was way too big: over six-hundred people. Most guests were business associates of their parents. They barely knew anyone there!

In China McWeddings are the cool thing to do right now. It’s fun! Not-so-traditional! You can hang out with your friends!

Unfortunately for you Americans, McWeddings is only available in Hong Kong branches right now. Luckily, I’m moving to Hong Kong and a McWedding sounds quite appealing. All I need to do now is convince the bride…

Things to love about China: 26 of 100

2011-03-03T04:29:00.000-08:00

The Century Egg:

Also known as the hundred-year egg, the thousand year-egg, the millennium egg, or the horse-urine-egg.

When you first look at a century egg your initial question may be: “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY EGG!” That’s fair. It smells like sulfur and looks like something formed in the deepest, darkest pits of Mordor by the Dark Lord himself; But relax! It’s just been preserved.

According to legend, a farmer discovered eggs that a duck had laid in some building-mortar near his house, so he ate them. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but hey, that’s a farmer for you. Anyway, he liked the taste and then shared the recipe with his friends.

It makes sense if you think about it. Some of the best foods were invented while trying to preserve things: Pickles, Beer, Jelly. Chinese people will eat anything and this is probably one of the tamer things on a Chinese menu.

Unlike the name suggests, century eggs are not preserved for an entire century. The Chinese usually preserve these eggs for weeks or months at a time in a mixture of clay & ash (basically mud) and salt & lime. The finish product looks like a nest from the film “Where the Wild Things Are”.

Next, you stick it on a shelf for a while and wait. Over time, the yolk will turn to dark green and the PH levels will slowly rise. The egg-white turns translucent and looks like the amber stone in Jurassic Park.

Once they are done they may look like sin, but they are apparently taste not-so-bad. The good news is that you don’t even have to cook them! You just plug your nose and down they go! Century Eggs are served at special occasions including weddings. You can also make tofu out of them… that’s fun.

So there you go. I’m putting this on my list of things to eat in China and if its good… expect Century Egg to be the first course at my wedding reception.

So It's Come To This: A Chinese Clipblog

2011-03-02T04:21:00.000-08:00

Due to budgetary concerns today's blog will be a recap episode.

(Like when Bart shook up Homer's beer, and Homer ends up in a coma, and the family talks about all the meaningful times in Homer's life)

You get the concept. Here are my first 25 of 100 reasons why I am looking forward to China...

First 25 Reasons
1. Disneyland Hong Kong
2. Chopsticks
3. Tall Buildings
4. Chinese Walmart
5. Warm Weather
6. The Terracotta Army
7. Panda Bears
8. Public Transportation
9. Chinese Food
10. The Forbidden City
11. 7-Eleven
12. Movies
13. Beer
14. Umbrellas
15. The Dragon
16. Mount Everest
17. The Internet
18. Fireworks
19. Jackie Chan
20. Slippers
21. Easy Travel
22. Rickshaws
23. Feet-Eating Fish
24. Dim Sum
25. Chinese Buddha

Special Entries
1. Of Hobbits and Nomads
2. Today I Joined a Mob
3. An interview with My Better Half

Check back next time to learn about 100-year-old Tofu!

An Interview with my Better Half

2011-03-01T04:14:00.000-08:00

An Interview with my Better Half

One of the greatest benefits of working for the company that I work for is that they have schools in dozens of countries, meaning any time I get bored of where I am living I can just transfer somewhere else. With all the things that are not-so-great about Kazakhstan, it is reassuring to know that you can simply fill out a transfer request and high-tail out of the country if the transfer is granted.

I have been in Kazakhstan for two years only and after two years I am ready to leave, but for my fiancée the road has been a bit longer. Cathy has been working in Almaty for five years and China has been on her radar for a long time.

I sit in front of her now, this girl I met only a year and a half ago. I have been to over a dozen countries with her, on many adventures. It seems odd to talk to her in a formal setting. Our intonations are totally familiar, yet we have never spoke quite like this before.

I have a bunch of loose-leaf paper ready to scribble down notes. She also is scribbling on a little yellow post-it (though what she is writing, I do not know)

Brock: You have been offered a teaching position in China many times before. Could you explain that process and tell us why you are still in Kazakhstan?

Cathy: Every year (after my second year)I considered changing schools. My second year I was just getting comfortable in the country and I was teaching eight-year olds for the first time. I wanted to try teaching the same grade twice in a row.

My third year I was close with a tight-knit group of friends (that fell apart shortly after). I didn’t want to move to a country where I didn’t know anybody.

Then, last year, I was falling in love with an awesome guy named Brock Raabe and I wanted to see how it turned out and it turned out very well. I chose people over cities. Now that I have people coming with me and I know people in China, I choose the cities first.

Choosing people over cities was a concept that was hard for me to understand last year. I had just left everyone I had ever known to move to a country where I knew no one. Then, all the sudden, this girl was making a decision to stay in Kazakhstan for me and I almost started freaking out. The freak-out didn’t last long and before I knew: this this was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with.

Though Cathy was dead-set on the 2010-2011 school year being her last year in Kazakhstan, it almost didn’t work out that way. Our employers have a few rules that can be seen as “Old Fashion” . In October, Cathy and I were in a serious relationship but not yet married. This fall, our employer told us that they would not grant us a transfer together unless we were married- and that if we wanted to transfer, they would purposely transfer us to separate countries.

Cathy was heartbroken. Her choices now included staying in Almaty a sixth year, leaving the school system and applying for a new job, or leaving me (not really an option).With deadlines looming on international job fairs and commitment contracts that needed to be signed for our employer we had little time to decide. Fortunately, I had one last secret weapon that had been hiding in our closet for the past few months: you guessed it, an engagement ring.

I asked my boss if we could transfer to China if we were “engaged” and he told me “Yes, as long as you are married by the end of the summer”. I asked him how long I had to decide and he told me “by Friday”. We were engaged by that Wednesday.

Now that we are engaged China is on the forefront of our minds, but Cathy probably has a better idea of what things will be like there than I do.

Brock: Unlike me, you have actually been to China. Describe your experience there.

Cathy: I found it intriguing to be there- things all around catching your eyes all over the place. The culture was fascinating, so much tradition. The people were friendly and helpful. They were curious about foreigners but open to them. Their sense of artistic style is also beautiful to me.

Brock: What is the biggest difference between China and the western world?

Cathy: I think it’s the expectations of how people should behave. They have more responsibility to their family and societal rules. There is a focus on the individual in the western world and a focus on family in the eastern world.

Though Cathy has been planning to move to China for years, she did not have that kind of mental preparation before moving to Kazakhstan. She was hired only two weeks before she got on a plane and moved to Almaty.

Brock: When you first moved to Kazakhstan what were your expectations and how did they change when you got here?

Cathy: (She laughs) Woefully unprepared. I had done next-to-no research. I thought Almaty was a village. I knew there were mountains and I had heard the name of the country on a documentary.

When I got here it was a real city. When you are in a totally different culture you feel totally adrift and unsettled. When I came back the second year I knew where things were. I came back the third year because I started to feel the community here.

Brock: What are the biggest things you will or won’t miss about Kazakhstan?

Cathy: I will miss friends and the routines we have. We have a pretty well established routine of fun things.

I won’t miss the traffic and driving- and I’m really excited to take a break from winter (though I might miss the change in seasons). I will not miss the dearth of vegetables in the winter.

Brock: What are the things you are most excited about in China?

Cathy: Being able to get almost any food I imagine. It’s all about food to me. Also, being able to walk outside without a jacket. There will be a newness of exploring a new place.

Brock: Any final thoughts?

Cathy: I can’t wait to move to China with you.

The interview is over. She has to get back to class. I put away my notes and sit back down at my desk. There, I find the little pack of post-it notes that she had been scribbling on. This was the message that she left behind:

Things to love about China: 25 of 100

2011-02-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

Chinese Buddha

No one really knows what The Buddha looked like when he walked this earth over 1,500 years ago. Each culture depicts The Buddha in a slightly different way. In Thailand he is depicted as an elegant, slender man. In Japan he is a sad, solemn man. In Korea he is thoughtful and his eyes are always closed. In India he is beautiful and radiant, often with a golden halo behind his head.

China, however, is home to the most distinct Buddha of all. The Chinese Buddha is short, fat, bald and laughing. So what’s with the difference? In my research, I was surprised to find that the difference is that the Chinese Buddha isn’t Buddha.

Really, how could the short fat statue be The Buddha? Siddhārtha Gautama (The Buddha) was a prince who denied his father’s thrown after seeing the suffering of his subjects. Gautama journeyed into wild and found “enlightenment” and detached himself from all worldly desires. Buddha lived simply (like Ghandi) he travelled on foot and walked many miles through many lands. Buddha wasn’t fat.

So where is the confusion? It turns out that the “Chinese Buddha” isn't Buddha at all. He is actually Budai, an eccentric Chinese monk. His name means “Cloth Sack” and he is basically the Buddhist Saint Nick. Legends tell of him bestowing candy upon poor children. He is the fat and happy god of abundance and good health and rubbing his belly is good luck.

So how does a thin & slender founder of a religion get confused with a jolly, fat monk? There are many reasons. First of all Budai was Buddhist and Budai sounds like Buddha. Second-of-all Westerners are pretty ignorant of Eastern culture so they would be easy to confuse with each other. And third of all, Buddha is not a name, it is a title. Buddha means “one who has achieved a state of perfect enlightenment” and though it is most commonly used to refer to “The Supreme Buddha”, other people in history have been given this title. Indeed, Budai is thought by some to be the successor of The Buddha.

All of this may sound confusing, but what I am really looking forward to is buying those tiny fat Chinese Buddha statues. The figurines, which depict Budai, are a symbol of happiness, joy, and prosperity. The only question now is: what shall my statues be made of? Wood or Stone? Plastic or Chrome? So many choices....

Things to love about China: 24 of 100

2011-02-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

Dim Sum

So imagine you are Marco Polo. You’re seventeen. No European that you have heard of has ever travelled much further than Egypt. The world is a giant, mysterious place and then, one day, you and your family set out on the trade routes- The Great Silk Road. You travel through Central Asia, you meet Kublai Khan, and then you set your sights further- much further than any man has ever traveled. You set your sights on China.

The journey through China is long. You have had many adventures thus far. You have traveled for over twenty years and over 7,000 miles and you are starting to think about going home. Your feet are tired. The winter has been cold but you are heading south now, the air is warmer here.

The people in this region are different than most Chinese. They don’t speak Mandarin and they call themselves Cantonese. You stop in a small hut to buy some tea, but when the tea comes it is served alongside of many baskets, with various snacks inside. The snacks are tasty, very tasty! They may be among the greatest delicacies of your entire journey. Congratulations, you are now the first European to eat Dim Sum.

Dim Sum is the Chinese equivalent to “Tea Time” and if you are going to drink tea, then why not eat some tasty snacks along with it. Try the bean-paste-filled-sweet-buns. Have some chopped-up-shrimp-stuffed-in-starchy-wheat-dumplings. Eat the deep-fried-chicken-feet-marinated-in-black-bean-sauce. This is what junk food tastes like in China.

Dim Sum comes from the Guangdong province, which has a different history and culture than the rest of China. If Guangdong is the land of Dim Sum, Hong Kong is the capital- and in a few months from now, I will be living in the Dim Sum capital of the world.

Though Dim Sum is tasty, people often forget it is a sometimes food. Originally, Dim Sum was eaten as a special treat for tea-time, but in the fast-food-age people forget the difference between treats and meals (even the Chinese). Dim Sum is now even being sold as a frozen microwavable snack (like TV dinners). Health officials in China have issued warnings about the fatty content of the food.

So here I come bamboo-juice-water-chestnut-cake. Get ready for me Orange-flavored-steamed meatball. Your days are numbered chilled-almond-flavored-tofu-served-with-sweet-fruit. Brock Raabe is coming to the Land of Dim Sum.

Things to love about China: 23 of 100

2011-02-25T19:38:00.000-08:00

Feet-Eating Fish

They wait in the watery-depths to attack. They hunger for human. If they catch a single whiff, they will swim to their prey and swarm their victim. For hours the monsters will feast… feast on your feet!

Doctor Fish, which are outlawed in much of the US and Canada, are common in Eastern Europe and Asia. These tiny fish eat the dead skin off of your feet. They are meant to help treat patients with skin conditions such as eczema and psoriasis, but they are also great for anybody who wants to get dead skin off of their feet or get a "fish massage".

Garra rufa (the reddish log sucker) is native to Turkey, Syria, Iraq, and Iran. The fish have no teeth, so when they nibble at you, it is said to be painless. I had firsthand experience with the little nibblers during a recent trip to Thailand. My friend Kyle Mims described the bites as “little tiny champagne bubbles”. My take was slightly less romantic: When I felt the fish eat my foot, it felt as if hundreds of tiny creatures were viciously attacking at my feet (which, of course, is what was happening).

Still, I wouldn’t object to trying Dr. Fish again. After all, I have eaten many, many fish in my life, it’s time I return the favor.

Things I am going to Love about China: 22 of 100

2011-02-23T04:41:00.000-08:00

Rickshaw

Richly Robed Rhinoceroses Riding in Rickety Red Rickshaws: This page is from the book Animalia, by my favorite children’s book author, Graeme Base.

There is something about robots pulling rickshaws that really speaks to me. Think of the symbolism: robots are built solely to serve and there isn’t a more raw image of servitude than a rickshaw. The idea behind a rickshaw is that some wealthy person sits in the carriage, and then it is pulled by a non-wealthy person (as if the puller was a horse or some other animal bred for working).

Rickshaws originated in Japan and were very popular throughout Asia. The vehicle starkly divided the elite class (the rickshaw riders) from the working class (the rickshaw pullers).

Rickshaws were most popular in Beijing during the early 20^th century. At that time one-sixth of all males were employed as rickshaw pullers. A few decades later, when China became a Republic, rickshaws disappeared because they were considered a symbol of oppression.

As with all fads, the rickshaw had to evolve to survive. The adaptation? A third wheel was added. Thus the cycle-rickshaw was born. Called a pedicab in the west, this invention can be found all over the globe. Cycle-rickshaws are still owned by poor laborers, who depend on the fares to feed their families.

Though cycle-rickshaws have economic benefit for the working class, they are notorious for clogging up the roads and slowing down traffic; Therefore they have are outlawed in many cities around the globe.

Thus the rickshaw goes through another adaptation. To avoid slowing traffic, the rickshaw would need power to compete in this motorized age. Evolution occurs again and the result is the auto-rickshaw. This new rickshaw (commonly called a tuk tuk) carries the spirit of the original vehicle into the 21^st century. Tuk Tuks are very popular throughout Asia and they can be a good deal if you are prepared to haggle, but beware, tourists are often overcharged if they don't barter.

Into the Future

The rickshaw, like most vehicles we use today, has had to evolve through the ages to survive. But where does the rickshaw go from here? Will we see a flying model? A submarine-model? The answer to this pondering lies in a tiny village outside of Beijing with an incredible farmer named Wu Yulu.

When Mr. Wu was eleven he dropped out of school and started building robots on his farm. Since he did not have a formal education, he had to learn robotics through trial and error. For the past two decades, Wu has built robots to climb walls, serve water, light cigarettes, play musical instruments, write calligraphy, paint, massage, and a variety of other things.

Wu builds his bots in his backyard from old scraps of metal and wire. He openly admits that he loves his robots more than his children. Wu calls his robots his sons and names them each accordingly. Wu’s 32^nd son is a robot built to pull a rickshaw. “Wu Yulu is my Dad,” the robot declares in Mandarin, “I take him out on the town.”

China has come a long way in the past hundred years. The working class of China use to pull the rickshaws and now they are the ones building robots to pull them. One cannot help see this irony as Wu-32 pulls the old farmer down the street.

Things to Love about China: 21 of 100

2011-02-21T08:18:00.001-08:00

Easy Travel

It’s not easy to get out of Kazakhstan. Every time I try to escape the middle-of-nowhere steppe of Central Asia it costs me almost a thousand bucks. This makes vacations costly and a little stressful. No longer, my friends. The Hong Kong airport offers cheap flights to some of the world’s most brilliant vacation spots. The following is a list of a few of the places on my radar for the next few years. The ROUNDTRIP price of the ticket is listed

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia - $205. You know that flag that looks exactly like the American one but has an Islam crescent moon instead of fifty stars? Well, that’s Malaysia. Malaysia is a great vacation spot with much to see including the Borneo Rainforest and the world famous Batu caves. A trip to Malaysia isn’t complete without seeing the Petronas twin towers, the tallest twin buildings in the world.

Tokyo Japan - $322. Japan has been on the top of my list forever. As a kid, there were always Japanese exchange students living in my basement (I think my dad forced them to paint the walls or something) and I have always loved Japanese culture. Kurosawa! Miyazacki! Nintendo! It would be my dream to live in Japan someday, but for now I’ll take a quick visit. I could go on and on and on about Japan, but maybe that’s a future blog (100 things Brock is going to love about living in Japan 2015).

Singapore - $169. The small island of Singapore is also a great nation. Singapore currently claims the fastest growing economy in the world and it is the least corrupt country. It is also one of the cleanest, considering you could be caned just for littering. Singapore’s beauty can clearly be seen in the Orchard Road District which offers a variety of landmarks, parks, shopping centers and zoos. As you stroll through this district, animals and plant life from all areas of the world surround you. The ‘open zoo’ concept ensures that there are no cages between you and the wildlife- and don’t worry, it’s safe, the animals know that if they attack, they get caned.

Bangkok, Thailand - $151. I gotta tell you. I just spent a month in Thailand and I would go back any day. To me, Thailand feels like the 51^st State. This might be an odd thing to say about a monarchy, but everyone speaks English (in an American accent, nonetheless). It’s also cheap. I spent a month zip-lining, elephant riding, paragliding, snorkeling, whitewater rafting, monkey-watching, sea kayaking, beaching, and eating (God bless Thai food!). It’s settled, I’m going back.

Manila, Philippines - $221. The Philippines were named after the Spanish King Phillip and because of the European influence, your visit may feel like a visit to Europe (lots and lots of churches). But if this is Europe, it is a tropical paradise Europe. There is surfing, there are volcanoes, there are mountains, cliffs, and waterfalls. It is a vacation spot fit for a king.

Seoul, South Korea - $282. Now I have to admit, before 'Lost,' I didn’t know much about Koreans. Nowadays half of the students that I teach are Korean: So Young, Sung Hee, Se Ho, Mi-Sug, Ji Hyun, Yun Jin, - the list goes on. In the past few years, I have grown to love Korean culture (especially Korean food) and have always thought a trip to the DMZ would be quite interesting. Here I come Korea!

Sydney, Australia - $824. Australia is a little more costly and a little bit more of a jump from Hong Kong, but Australia is first on my radar and my tickets are practically booked for next Christmas. Australia has been in my sights since fourth grade and I cannot wait to get into the outback and see some Kangaroos. I would love, someday, to pack some John Locke Knives and walkabout through the great desert of Uluru. The Australian accent alone holds some mystical power over me. In ten short months from now I aim to be sitting in an Aussie bar, sucking down a tall glass of Aussie beer, and watching the clock strike midnight as 2012 is heralded in with a blast of didgeridoos.

Things to love about China: 20 of 100

2011-02-20T09:04:00.000-08:00

Slippers

One popular question that foreigners ask is “Do Americans really wear shoes inside the house like in sitcoms?” Oddly, I’ve never really noticed this on sitcoms, but the truth is that in many households in America people really do wear shoes inside. This is especially true in the South, where people have cowboy boots, which are difficult to put on and take off without use of some sort of boot-removing device.

Like many issues in the States, Americans seem to be split on the shoe-in-house rule. Some people will insist that you leave your shoes at the door while others will insist that you absolutely do not remove your shoes in their house.

I myself am a remove-your-shoes-at-the-door man. I think that this is the norm in the Midwest. I like my feet to be comfortable, which is why I love that fact that Asian countries take this custom a step further: Slippers. If you enter an Asian household, the shoes come off and the slippers come on.

I have always loved slippers and I find it odd somehow that few people in the States where them. They are comfy and practical, they keep your feet warm, and –let’s face it- they look cool.

When I moved to Kazakhstan last fall, it was the first time that I had an entire home to myself and it wasn’t long before I got the idea that I needed slippers for guests. So in Uzbekistan last year I bought a bunch of gorgeous Uzbek, Dr. Suess-ish slippers. I haggled with an old lady and managed to get 11 pairs for fifty bucks.

These slippers have aided my friends and I through many Wii nights and theme parties. I was so taken by the usefulness and decorativeness of the slippers that I bought five pair of Kazakh ones last spring.

So that’s it folks, if you come and visit me in China, my beautiful central Asian slippers will be waiting to crawl onto your feet and make you comfy. Just don’t bring cowboy boots into my home- I cannot stand men in high heels.

Things to love about China: 19 of 100

2011-02-19T05:12:00.000-08:00

Jackie Chan

There are few men today who are living national heroes. There are also few living men who have their own cartoon series starring themselves. As far as I can tell there are only two people on Earth that are cool enough to fit this bill: Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan.

I will be the first to admit that I have never seen -even one- episode of “Walker Texas Ranger” and that I have never seen any movie or TV show featuring Mr. Norris. I have heard hundreds of Chuck Norris facts, but not even these have convinced me that his films would intrigue me (nor have they inspired me to study “Chun Kuk Do” the martial art he created.)

Jackie Chan is a different story all together. Where Norris is a symbol of Christianity, the Republican party and the American South, what Chan symbolizes is not so apparent, at first.

Chan was born in Hong Kong when it was still a British colony- a place where the cultures of the East and West would grow and thrive together. Because of this, Chan’s influences came from both of these cultures. Chan’s first hero: Bruce Lee, the Chinese-American martial arts star of the silver screen. Chan’s second hero: Buster Keaton, the most famous silent-film star of all time.

Bruce Lee is the obvious choice for a little Hong Kong boy interested in martial arts, but it was Keaton’s influence is what made Jackie Chan a star. Chan admired Keaton’s comedic timing and the fact that Keaton performed his own stunts (Bruce Lee used a stunt double). Chan began his career as a teenager in the 70’s where he took roles as an extra or a stunt double in Hong Kong films.

Chan never met Keaton (who died when Jackie was young) but at the age of seventeen he did have the opportunity to work as a stunt double with his other hero. Chan appeared in Bruce Lee’s “Enter the Dragon”. Unfortunately, this would be the last time Chan and Lee would appear in a film together. During the making of the film, Lee suddenly took ill. Lee died just before the film’s release and was buried in Seattle Washington (Chuck Norris was a pallbearer).

With one great martial arts stars gone, it seemed that the universe had found another. Later that year, Chan took his first starring role in the film “Little Tiger of Canton”. It would not be long until Chan found his way to Hollywood.

Though Chan mostly stars in comedies, he takes his career very seriously. Chan holds the Guinness World Record for most stunts performed by a living actor. Chan also vowed never to play a villain (to avoid being typecast). He even turned down the lead villain in the film Demolition Man. Chan also wants to be a role model for children, so he rarely swears in his films.

Chan is also the ultimate good-guy in the real world. One of Jackie’s biggest regrets in life is never having a formal education, so he has helped to fund many schools worldwide. He also appears as the spokesperson for a “Clean Hong Kong” campaign that helps keep litter of the streets.

Eventually Chan became tired of Hollywood. He felt he had been typecast, not as a villain as he feared, but as “the humorous acrobat who must often improvise and use any near-lying object as a weapon”. He has been type-cast as the image he had created for himself.

In the last few years Chan has begun to take on different roles. He played a pawn shop owner in “The Forbidden Kingdom” and starred along side of Jet Li. He voiced the Monkey in “Kung Fu Panda”. He starred in the “Shinjuku Incident” which has no martial arts sequences and he played the Mr. Miyagi character in new “Karate Kid” film.

As a boy I frequently watched Chan movies with my friends, even before he was a household name in the States. But, other than Jaden Smith’s Karate Kid, I haven’t watched a Jackie Chan movie in over a decade. Now that I am moving to Chan’s home country, I think it is time I take a look at some of his classic films.

I conclude this blogpost with Jackie Chan singing “I’ll Make a Man out of You” from Dinsey’s “Mulan” (in Cantonese). Enjoy!

Things to Love about China: 18 of 100

2011-02-17T06:51:00.000-08:00

Fireworks

When I was a child, I believed in fireworks. There is something wonderful and mysterious about a pyrotechnics display and throughout history people have associated fireworks with magic, rather than science.

As a kid I always thought fireworks were capable of more than they were. Have you ever seen a firework that took the shape of a heart when it exploded? (Or rather something that crudely represented a heart). Well, my misconception as a child was that people could build fireworks that took the form of shapes- not little things like hearts- but think when Gandalf makes a dragon at Bilbo’s birthday party. It’s not a horrible misconception as a child (as far as misconceptions go), but even as an adult, I have always believed that somewhere out there, there were fireworks that could take shapes.

I blame “Full House”, of course. Here’s why: In 1993 the Tanner Family on “Full House” went to Disney World and right after Uncle Jessie plays “A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes” on his guitar in front of thousands of fans, there is a scene where Danny proposes to his girlfriend during the fireworks display. In the sky, above Cinderella’s Castle, this firework explodes and spells out “Vicky, Will you marry me”. When you look back at it, it is an unbelievably bad animation, but at the time (when I was nine) I believed it.

I guess it was around the time that YouTube came out, that I finally convinced myself that nowhere in the world (not even Disney World) such firework technology is possible. Not even in China, the birthplace of the firework.

Over a thousand years ago the Chinese invented four great things: Papermaking, Printing, The Compass, and Gunpowder. The Chinese serendipitously invented gunpowder while searching for an eternal-life elixir and once they had gunpowder, fireworks were not far behind.

Here’s how it went down- A monk named Li Tian had the idea of placing the gunpowder into a stick of bamboo and throwing it into the fire. The result? BOOM! Fireworks originally were meant to chase away evil spirits, but it helped that they were loud and pretty (and people could shout “Oooooooooo!”)

Today, the Chinese are the biggest makers and exporter of fireworks, as well as the biggest users. Where the US has one fireworks holiday, the Chinese have at least five. Firework designers are often seen as artists as it is not a simple thing. Pyrotechnics are as much chemistry, as they are magic. Twenty-one different elements are used to create the different colors, sounds, and shapes.

I know now that (unless firework technology increases dramatically) I will never be able to spell phrases out to my loving fiancé or see a Smaug-shaped dragon-work fly over my head. But I did find this video on YouTube, which I think is really cool! Go you Chinese firework makers!

Things to love about China: 17 of 100

2011-02-16T04:27:00.000-08:00

The Internet

The internet in Kazakhstan isn’t as slow as one would think for a

post-soviet country. I can watch YouTube videos and even stream TV

shows. I can download all the movies in the world and I will never get

a letter from my cable company or from the MPAA. There are, however,

downsides to the system.

The real sucker-punch is that you only get a finite amount of

downloaded information before you reach your limit. Once you reach

that limit, you are S.O.L until the next month. Sometimes it is the

last few days in the month in which my internet gives out. Sometimes

it is only after a couple weeks. I can limit the amount that I

download, but I never know how much I have used or how much I have

left.

So will China be better? Absolutely! Hong Kong has the 2rd fastest

internet in the world. You can download as much as you want, as fast

as you want. The speeds are much faster than in the States and you can

download anything without getting in trouble.

“Hey wait a minute,” you say, “China has almost every website blocked

including Wikipedia.” Well, the answer to that is yes… and no.

Yes, China does block a lot of websites.

No, it is not hard to get around them.

One Chinese citizen informed me, “The blocking is pointless. Every

elementary school child knows how to use a proxy-server. It is so easy

to do.” I guess the ‘Great Firewall of China’ is not so great after

all.

My friends in China are very impressed by the internet in their homes as well as the accessibility in restaurants and most public places.

There are more Chinese internet users than any where else in the world and that number is growing. Will the Chinese government continue to try and block the net to their peoples? With what is happening is Egypt, it will probably continue for now. But China is the future and I foresee a time when China will become the internet.

Things to love about China: 16 of 100

2011-02-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Mount Everest

(Mount Chomolungma in Tibetan,
or Zhūmùlǎngmǎ Fēng in Chinese)

When I think of Everest, I think of Nepal. I recall the smell of incense, the colorful prayer flags, the smiling people and rooftop cafes. I remember warming my hands near the yak-dung-burning stove and eating warm soup and pasty dumplings. I remember how thin and clean the air was, I remember the rocky paths and the snowcapped mountains, I remember gazing off into the distance at the great mountains- at Everest.

Nepal stands as the highlight of all my travels. I loved my adventure there and I will always long to return. Someday I will return. But every mountain has two sides and, before I return to Nepal, I feel compelled to explore the other side of Everest- China.

China hasn’t always been “the other side of the mountain” but when the People’s Republic of China invaded Tibet in the 1950’s, they made sure Everest would thereafter carry a red flag. Not as many people try to climb Everest from the Tibetan side, but people do.

I stated before in my blog that there are four types of people in the world. One of these types is the Mountain Climbers. Only about two-thousand people have climbed the beast, in the history of man, and I have met some of them- these mountain climbers. Mountain Climbers are people who must conquer something- get to the top of something- and they will risk everything to do it.

I’ve hiked to the south base camp (just over 17,000 feet) and that did me in, but if someone wants to climb to the top (29,000) you’ll need some help. You’ll need money, you’ll need oxygen, and you’ll need a Sherpa.

Now, technically Sherpa is an ethnicity of people who live in the Himalayas, but it is also what people call the guides they employ to get them to the top of the mountain. Sherpas have evolved -from us lesser men- to climb. They can run marathon’s in the Himalayas. What took my group five days to hike can take Sherpas two hours. While we carried small day packs, our Sherpas carried our bulky supplies (they carried over a hundred pounds each)

Sherpas are born Mountain Climbers, but even Sherpas must fear “The Death Zone”. Everest’s death zone is located in the last three-thousand feet of the climb. This is where oxygen starts to drop and any parts of your body exposed to air can be frost-bitten- the cells die and never recover. While you climb this zone you will pass a hundred or so dead bodies- climbers who didn’t make it- climbers who needed to reach the top.

People climb Everest because it is the biggest that there is and- unless you want to go to Mars- one cannot find a bigger mountain. Men searched for decades to find the highest mountain and once they had found it, it wasn’t long before people wanted to climb it. Why? Because it is there.

Now I’m not going to lie. If I were to win the lottery tomorrow, I would climb the mountain. In these days all it takes money and a drive to succeed (Same as anything else). Several years ago I met the oldest man to climb Everest- it took him four tries and millions of dollars to do so, but he did it at the ripe old age of seventy-two. I have to admit that much of my personality is a Mountain Climber personality, which is why being in the presence of the mountain is so awing to me.

Will I gaze upon Everest again? Undoubtedly I will (or die trying). I’m sure many adventures await me on the other side of the mountain (the Chinese side of the mountain) So, here I go again… Everest, here I come.

Things to Love about China: 15 of 100

2011-02-13T00:26:00.000-08:00

The Dragon

Níðhöggr, Jörmungandr, Fafnir, Smaug, Ghidorah, Falkor, Draco, Elliot, Mushu , Norbert, Haku, Saphira & Toothless.

These are just a few names of the great Dragons in cinema and literature that we have come to know and love in our time- and there are so many nameless dragons beyond these.

Dragons are born of the imagination of man, and though no creature quite like it has ever actually crept upon this Earth, dragons are real in the minds and hearts of those who live in this world.

No one will ever know how the “Dragon” came into being. Perhaps while gazing on the bones of dinosaurs, the human race concocted a tale of giant reptilian beings that once walked our planet. Perhaps we invented the creature as an amalgamation of our greatest fears. In this world, there are two main lines of dragons- European Dragons and Asian Dragons- the difference lies only in how we approach our enemies- will we defeat them or will we become them?

In the western world, European Dragons are the most common image. The wyrm of Europe is usually winged and dwells in dark caves and guards treasure. They breathe fire, they are greedy and evil, and they are old. Over three-thousand years ago the epic tale of Beowulf features a fire-breathing dragon very similar to the dragons we see depicted today. St. George slew a dragon, a dragon is features on the Welch and Maltan flags, and then there is J.R.R. Tolkien, who brought us Smaug, the dragon that would inspire every serpent of the 20^th and 21^st centuries. In Europe, dragons are dark and evil beings. They eat men and horde their riches.

In the Chinese zodiac dragons are proud, noble, and generous. They are the only creature in the zodiac who cannot be found in the real world. In fact, eastern dragons are a mix of every other creature of the Zodiac. They have the whiskers of the rat, the horns of an ox, the claws and teeth of a tiger, the belly of a rabbit, the body of a snake, the legs of a horse, the beard of a goat, the brain of a monkey, the crest of a rooster, the ears of a dog, and the snout of a pig. January 23^rd 2012 will mark the beginning of the “Year of the Dragon” Since Dragons are seen as powerful, there are more babies born in the year of the dragon than any other year.In the eastern world , however, dragons are not evil and greedy. In Chinese mythology, dragons control the weather. They are a symbol of power, strength, and good luck. People compared to dragons are people who are excellent and high achievers.

The Asian dragon is whiskered and is usually wingless. They have four legs and three to five toes (depending on the culture). In Asia, the Dragon is depicted on the Bhutan flag.

Some anthropologists, namely David E. Jones, believe that it is no coincidence that dragons resemble many creatures. If you look back into the roots of our ancestors (the line of mammals), we were hunted by birds of prey, reptiles, snakes, and great cats, (such as the tiger). Perhaps somewhere, in the caverns our brains, we fear still fear these creatures and we meld our ancestral predators together into one super-predator.

Jones suggests that to different cultures this predator represents itself in different ways. People in the East try to become this great beast, while people in the west try to conquer it. Though our cultures divide how we view our greatest enemy, we must treat it with an awesome respect.

Yes, the dragon is a legend, but no other legendary creature is as famous or fabled or as real to us. The dragon is both our greatest fear and our greatest aspiration. We fear it and we love it. We hate it and we want to become it. The dragon is both man’s greatest enemy and man’s greatest invention.

The year of the dragon is less than a year away. When it arrives it will mark my five month anniversary of living in China. Perhaps it is with good fortune that I move to China at the dawn of the dragon, or perhaps it is with great threat. But, however the new year greets me- and whether I am seeking to destroy the dragon or become it- it is sure to be great year for a great nation, the nation of China.

Things to love about China:14 of 100

2011-02-09T03:43:00.000-08:00

Umbrella傘

Umbrellas are believed to have originated in China and today they are everywhere.

The Chinese carry umbrellas not only to fend off the rain, but also the sunshine.

Today is more of a picture blog, but remember if you are ever in China, you can stand under my umbrella, Ella ella, ay, ay, ay

Things I am going to Love about China: 13 of 100

2011-02-08T03:34:00.001-08:00

Beer

As a Wisconsinite I feel obligated to love three things: Beer, Dairy Products, and the Green Bay Packers. Because of these three things, my time in Kazakhstan has been tough.

I did not see one single Packer football game in the 2009 season. This season I was fortunate to have attended a preseason game in Lambeau this summer. I streamed a Monday night game, two play-off games and the Superbowl. That’s five games of twenty-four and I consider myself lucky.

As for dairy products in Kazakhstan, they are subpar. The milk is especially yucky. I never imagined that milk could taste so bad and often wonder what they do to it (or to the cows).

The beer here is a different story all together. It’s not that Kazakh beer is bad. It’s not that I can’t get a variety of beers here. It’s that I come from Central Wisconsin and my standards are so great.

I have tasted beer from over two dozen lands. I have been to Germany twice. I have drank hundreds of varieties of beer in my life and let me tell you, nothing compares to Central Wisconsin Beer!

It’s an art form really. Take the deep rich flavor of Central Waters Mud Puppy Porter. The thick flavor hits my mouth like a deep, cold, river of dark chocolate. Satin Solstice Imperial Stout, also from Amherst Wisconsin, hits you like a liquid coffee bean; strong and creamy.

New Glarus Road Slush is bitter and sweet at the same time. The tastes of Oatmeal and Mocha hit your mouth in perfect harmony.

Even Plover’s own Oso’s Night Train is a force to be reckoned with. It’s flavor is complex; smoky and bitter but, oh, so pleasant.

By now you’ve figured out what kind of beer-man I am. I need the darkest and richest blends that most would find "too strong". But outside of Central Wisconsin I have never found such a blend.

Even living as far as I could possibly get from my hometown, two Wisconsin beers can be found a hundred yards from my apartment. The little store under my complex sells two Miller products, MGD and Miller Midnight (A beer unheard of in The States). Miller midnight is one of my favorites here, but it does not come close to satisfying the hunger I have for amazing Stouts and Porters.

So what could moving to China possibly do to aid me in my cause? How could alcohol brewed in Asia come close to matching the Germanic rooted beers of Central Wisconsin? Surprisingly there is an answer. While my father’s grandparents were leaving Germany for the States in the early 20^th century, other German’s were fleeing to China!

Tsingtao Beer is China’s largest brewery and claims 15% of its market. Men with names such as Jurgen and Heinrich founded the company about one-hundred years ago and it has been a national treasure ever since. The beer has been seen in many films. Harrison Ford’s character, Deckard, was seen sipping the beverage in the futuristic world of Blade Runner. Even Clint Eastwood tasted the drink in Gran Torino.

Most of Tsingtao’s beers are Pilsner’s (good, but not what I’ve been looking for), however one variety known as Tsingtao Dark Beer promises the taste of the stouts and porters that I’ve been missing.

I look forward to the day that I can sit in a Chinese bar and toast my neighbors with the phrase “To Booze and Friends!”, but moreover I yearn to be home, sitting on a barstool in Guus, sucking down a tall glass of Mud Puppy Porter.

Things I am going to Love about China: 12 of 100

2011-02-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

Movies

I love them. I love browsing the rental stores, strolling up and down the aisle to find the perfect one. I love downloading them and organizing them into folders on my portable hard drive. But most of all, I love cinemas.

The taste of salty popcorn on my tongue, the satisfaction of sneaking in candy and soda, waiting in line for a midnight showing of a film I have anticipated for years. I love Imax, I love 3D and I love the big screen. So what is it like to live in Almaty, Kazakhstan, where all the films are dubbed to Russian and there are no English cinemas in a thousand mile radius? It sucks. It sucks hard.

I have developed ways to cope with this, of course. Every time I’m on vacation, (whether in India, Dubai, or Thailand) I locate the nearest cinema, slap on my 3D glasses and listen to the sweet sound of English. I've even become very good at ignoring the subtitles. But this still isn't enough for me. So I invented another method.

Last year I wanted so bad to see Avatar, but couldn’t. It was playing in 3D just a ten minutes walk from my apartment, but I didn’t know Russian. It seemed that I would have to watch a horrible cam copy online or wait until the DVD. Then, it struck me. If I could take the illegally downloaded version and convert it to an audio file… I could put it on my iPod. And if I managed to time the audio just right… yes… genius… pure genius.

So I watched Avatar. I had to adjust the audio several times throughout the film, but it worked. And when the giant alien arrows started flying toward my head, I thanked my lucky yurts that I was still in a 3D-Cinema society. Yet, I am still not quite satisfied with my iPod method. I am still kind of miffed that the popcorn here is sweet, instead of salty.

Enter China

Remember when it was a couple bucks to see a movie? Even a good one? A big bowl of popcorn was a dollar and another couple bucks would get you a big-ass soda. In some big cities, tickets alone are up to $20 and if you want the popcorn and soda (or god-forbid you have children) you could be looking at putting a Grant or a Franklin down at the ticket booth. And for what? A small, uncomfortable seat among a couple hundred noisy patrons?

Behold the Chinese way to view a movie. A country where going to a movie is still a big to-do. Go ahead and put on your favourite suit, (yes that’s right, “favorite” with the British “u”)

For twenty bucks each, you and some of your closest friends can enjoy a private-screen room. Lay back in your big leather seats. Want a bottomless drink? Endless popcorn? A couple hot dogs? It’s on the house! Still want to indulge yourself? Wine and Beer are included on the menu. Order some Pizza or some Chicken Wings. This is Hong Kong, where they take American culture and make it better- cheaper.

Now, all that’s left to do is plan the next few movie-going years of my life. So here it is:

Nov 23^rd 2011
The Muppets

Dec 16^th 2011
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Dec 23^rd 2011
The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn

June 15^th 2012
Brave (Pixar)

June 29^th 2012
Star Trek 2

July 3^rd 2012
Spider-Man

July 20^th 2012
The Dark Knight Rises

Nov 9^th 2012
Bond 23

Dec 2012
The Hobbit
Part I

May 2013
The Dark Tower

Dec 2013
The Hobbit
Part II

Today I Joined a Mob

2011-02-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

Mob Mentality

Today I was part of an angry mob. I have always assumed that being part of an angry mob was something that would never happen to me, but today it did. When I say “Angry Mob” I do not use the term lightly. The mob itself consisted of hundreds of people and if they weren’t angry, they were at least frustrated. Hundreds of people violently pushed against each other, there was yelling, there was screaming, and it was dangerous.

This all started five years ago when Almaty, Kazakhstan was chosen to host the 7th annual Asian winter games. Almaty was deemed developed and modern enough to host the thousands of competitors, journalists, and tourists who would attend the games. And I have to hand it to them, they did an ok job. For the first time in its history there were street signs in the city denoting what cross street you were on. They limited traffic to the streets, they cleaned up the facilities, they advertised, there were logos and slogans and they were proud.

There was just one problem with all of this. In Kazakhstan they don’t have lines.Now there is usually order in Kazakhstan (although that order seemed to dissolve today) but there aren’t really any lines. For example, when ordering from a fast food restaurant do not be surprised if, when you are waiting patiently to order, someone swoops in front of you and orders first. When walking into a bank, do not assume that if you wait behind the counter that you are next in line. There are people in the room sitting on the couches who are in front of you and the right thing to do when entering a bank, instead of getting in line, is to ask who is ahead of you and then sit down on the couches.

Now usually these methods work for the Kazakhs, despite the fact that they frustrate foreigners. The Kazakh mentality is that you have to butt to get ahead, that if you don’t cheat and steal your way to the top, you’ll never get what is coming to you. I’m not sure if this was the mentality before the Soviets, but this is what a post-communist society looks like. I have learned to deal with it over the past year and a half. And then came the bandy tickets.

I’ve been wanting to attend the winter games since they started last week, but I didn’t know how to acquire tickets- so when my friend Martin called me up and asked me if I wanted some tickets to Russian Hockey, I said “Of course”.

My friends and I left the apartment at 9:00 this morning and caught a gypsy cab downtown,

where we were told we could catch a shuttle to the ice rink for the 11:00 game. The roads into the mountains were closed for the games, so the shuttle was the only way up. Here in lies the problem. One bus comes every ten minutes and there are over five-thousand people who want to go to the game.

When we arrived at the bus stop there was

already a mob. At first we watched from afar. There were hundreds of Kazakhs pounding on the bus, even before the doors opened. Once they opened people fought tooth and nail to get on the shuttle. People shoved and screamed and crammed their way in. Hundreds of people were now not on the bus curb, but storming the street, interrupting traffic, waiting eagerly for the next bus to come. The police- although there were plenty around- chose to do little about the situation that was all around them.

Joining a mob comes surprisingly naturally. No one ever tries to form a mob, they just form and when they do it is easy for people to jump on in. So my seven friends and I butted our way to the front of the line. We were in the middle of the street and we saw the next bus coming.

Have you ever seen an elephant attacked by a hundred hyenas? Long before the bus came to a halt the hyenas were chasing it down, clinging to its side, waiting for the doors to open. We shoved, and the crowd moved. They shoved back and we moved. The bus doors opened and the hyenas attacked. There was shoving and pushing and sometimes it felt as if you would be swallowed by the crowd. And then it was over. We were still on the street and the bus was gone. We counted our numbers. Only one of the seven of us had managed to push onto the bus.

Time was ticking now and if we had any hope of catching even part of the game, we would need to get onto the next bus. We edged further into the street. The police tried to push us back. I thought to myself, certainly in a civil society if the cops failed in their duty to maintain order a citizen would step up. I thought of waiting in line for Star Wars Episode III and pulling out a permanent marker to number the people so that we could feel free to wander without stepping out of line. This was no Star Wars line, however, this was Kazakhstan.

The next bus arrived. I pushed ahead. I thought about dashing into the bus but then I saw my friend Renee. I pushed the crowd back to give Renee a chance. People grabbed and pulled and shoved and as Renee tried to step up her leg was caught. She screamed, but no one listened. She turned and shouted at the lady behind her and then jumped on the bus.

I was being pushed back and I thought that there was no point anymore, the bus was too full. It was too late. But still I pushed. The crowd went left and I was driven further from the door, I pushed back right and then before I knew it I was in the entrance way. I stepped toward the bus but glanced back towards my fiancée. She was drifting back into the crowd.

There is a movie, several movies actually, where two lovers are trying to get to each other but the crowd is too thick. Today, I was in that movie. Standing under the bus door frame with hundreds of angry people shoving toward me (they were only missing the torches) I stood firm and reached back to my fiancée. I grabbed her gloves and the crowed pushed left. She was being pressed against the side of the bus, squashed between the mob and the retired German vehicle (German buses go to Kazakhstan to die).

I held her tight with both my hands and pulled, but the crowd didn’t let her in. They shouted at me in words I could not understand. Kazakh words. Russian words. Guttural sounds that come from the dark depths of angry people. In Cathy’s eyes I saw that she had given up. “Just leave me” said those eyes. But I held firm. I pulled her toward me and as the mob shifted back to the right Cathy was given a free pocket.

A woman stepped up to the platform but as I turned to her my face said “Not without my girl friend” and the woman gave way. I pulled Cathy onto the bus and we moved into the center. Dozens more boarded, more than I thought possible. My friend Brooke was shoved forth and tripped. I went back to the door and pulled her too. More tried to push on but the doors were closing. People were caught in the door as the bus rolled off. The door opened once more and people fell back onto the street.

Were we evacuating a war zone? No we were going to a hockey game. The Kazakh government had years to plan this moment and they had failed miserably.

The game was joy-filled. People forgot about their journey up. The locals asked us where we were from (Canada, always say Canada), gave us gifts and wanted to take pictures with us. We laughed and cheered. Kazakhstan won and they played the Star Wars music at the medal ceremony. The president was there and people were ecstatic. “Ra, Ra, Kazakhstan!” Never have I experienced so much joy in this country.

But when the game was over and we walked back down to catch a ride into the city, we saw that there were thousands of people and only a few buses.

“Here we go again,” I thought to myself, and for the second time in one day I became a member of an angry mob.

Things I am going to Love about China: 11 of 100

2011-02-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

7-Eleven

I have never lived in a city with a 7-Eleven. Slurpee. Big Gulp. These things mean nothing to me. I was raised on the Icee “The coldest drink in town”. You know, the polar bear in the red sweater. I have always heard the phrase “7-Eleven”, sure. But it wasn’t until a recent trip to Thailand that I was amazed to find that the store everywhere. There is not one 7-Eleven in Wisconsin but in Asia… they are EVERYWHERE!

Here are some statistics- There are more 7-Elevens in Asia than there are in the States… strike that- There are more 7-Evelens in Japan, alone, than there are in the States. In Hong Kong there are over six-hundred of the quick-stop stores, more than in the entire Midwest!

Even my Canadian fiancée knows more about the store than I do! I feel like someone who woke up to discover that they’ve never had a Big Mac or a Dilly Bar, so I ask myself “what am I missing?”

The following is a result of my research:

As with all big things, 7-Eleven started out small. Once upon of a time in Texas, some guy named Joe sold ice. Joe thought to himself “Hey. I have ice, why not sell some milk and eggs… the ice could keep it cool”. In one genius move, Joe had serendipitously given birth to the miracle that is “the convenient store”.

Originally Joe called his stores Tote’em but the name changed in 1946 when he decided his stores would run from 7am – 11pm (I know, you probably guessed that). These hours were unheard of at the time. Before long the company adopted the Slurpee (also serendipitously invented) and eventually, the thirty-two ounce soda, The Big Gulp.

Now the function of a convenience store has alluded me until very recently. When I grew up there were grocery stores and there were gas stations and there wasn’t much in between. Now my Canadian fiancée has a different take on this. In Canada there are gas stations, there are grocery stores, and there is something in between, the convenience store. When Cathy walks into a gas station in the states her jaw drops and she her face says “Daddy, we’re in Disney Land”. She has never seen such a variety of chips, candy or soda even in the biggest grocery stores of Canada. It is a fact that Canada does not yet have blue M&Ms.

So there you have it, for the first time in my life I am moving to a land where I can walk into a shop and say “Give me a Slurpee! And I’ll take some Moon Pies too. I am in the land of 7-elevens. The land of opportunity. I am in China”

Things I am going to love about China: 10 of 100

2011-02-03T03:45:00.000-08:00

The Forbidden City

Such a name invites many questions, the biggest being “Why is it forbidden?”

For hundreds of years the forbidden city was the home to the Emperors of China. For twenty-four generations of rulers, it was forbidden for anyone to leave or enter the city without the emperor’s permission. If anyone ever managed this task it would have been difficult with 26 foot-high walls and 171 foot wide moat.

The forbidden is the largest palace in the world. There are exactly 9,999 rooms as nine is a lucky number in China. There are also nine gates in the forbidden city and the have nine rows of nine giant nails boarding the gates together.

The other big “nine” in the city is the “Nine Dragon Wall”. It depicts dragons playing in the sea and each is a different color.

Now I could go on and on about the wonders of the forbidden city, but the bottom line is that if it’s cool enough for Jaden Smith, it’s cool enough for me.

2011-02-01T07:09:00.001-08:00

Of Hobbits and Nomads.

The Eleven Year Old Me

When I was a little tenderfoot in the boy scouts, a friend once asked me “Have you ever been on an adventure”. My eleven-year-old self didn’t exactly know how to answer this question. I said “I read the book The Hobbit” and my questioner responded decisively, “Books are not adventures”.

“Books are not adventures”. Even today those words stick with me and I think - What a stupid thing to say, of course books are adventures. So too are movies, video games, TV shows, graphic novels, and even podcasts.

At eleven, I wanted to be Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, Johnny Quest, and Bilbo Baggins. At twenty-six (now teaching eleven year olds) I have added even more heroes to the mix. John Locke, The Doctor from Doctor Who, Yorick Brown, and Tintin (if you don’t know Tintin yet, you will by Christmas).

To me these characters live inside of me and, to some extent, even make decisions. I want to travel the world and I want to be these heroes. Am I similar to these characters just because I travel the world? It’s like asking if someone is similar to Commander Chief when they go paintballing. The answer is yes… and no.

The Twenty-Six Year Old Me.

If you want adventure and glory you need to give something up. As an international teacher I can live in foreign cultures, travel to a dozens of new countries, climb tall mountains and ride camels & elephants. I am living out a life of adventure and I love it. But what I give up, is a lot.

When I first came to Kazakhstan last year, I was alone. I left behind everyone I had come to know and love in the first twenty-five years of my life. In the past year I have missed weddings and funerals and there are still more to miss.

Now in the 21^st century the Internet makes leaving this stuff behind easy, but there are still those who could never do such a thing. Hell- it was hard for me. Last year was a giant countdown of how many months, weeks, and days until I could see my family and friends again. So why do it? Why move to Kazakhstan, just to move on to China, just to move on to… somewhere else?

I’m a Nomad.

What does that mean? Someone said, somewhere, (and it eventually passed to my ear) that there are four types of people in this world. Nomads, Farmers, Mountain Climbers and Firemen.

Mountain Climbers are the goal oriented people always reaching for the top. They demand success. Then there are Firemen, who are more project oriented- they tackle challenges one at a time. They like to get the job done and then move onto the next. Farmers are homey people. They love where they live and what they do and change is difficult for them. They may never stray more than one-hundred miles from home and they will grow uncomfortable if they do. Nomads, on the other hand, have to keep moving. They get antsy if they live in one place for too long.

Now everyone is a mix of these four things, but one personality usually shines through. I am partially a farmer, but I am mostly a nomad.

The Breaking of the Fellowship

I am currently reading the first book in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. After reading The Hobbit in sixth grade I have always meant to get around to reading “The Lord of the Rings" trilogy. I have even started Fellowship three times, but have never got out of the Shire.

Now, six hours into the book (the furthest I have ever read, I am still not out of the Shire. Why? Because in order for Frodo to go and be a hero you must understand that he comes from a great place. It’s safe and comfy and no one ever seems to be working. That is the first 200 pages in Lord of the Rings- they just sing and eat and take baths. That’s probably why it’s the most annotated part in Jackson’s trilogy. And one character that Jackson’s trilogy skips over completely is Fatty.

Fatty was the fifth amigo in the friendship of Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. He was a good friend and was willing to help in every way. He even put his life on the line, agreeing to watch over Frodo’s home while the group was away. But the one thing that Fatty couldn’t do for his friends was leave the Shire himself. As hard as this task was for Frodo and the rest, it was impossible for Fatty. Impossible to imagine even. Fatty was a farmer.

Now I have nothing against farmers. I totally understand what it’s like to grow up in the best town in the world. I know how it is to feel that there is nothing on Earth better than where I live. But there is a difference between me and a farmer and it’s not that I want to travel (though I do) It’s that I can’t not travel.

After 25 years of living in Wisconsin I felt stuck. After two years of living in Kazakhstan I feel stuck. After a certain amount of time living in China I will feel stuck. I am totally, totally happy with the places I have

lived, but I am also always looking for the next place.

Like Luke Skywalker,

starring off into the duel sunset,
I am a nomad.

Like Bilbo Baggins,

being called off to the mountains,
I am a nomad.

Like The Doctor,

wandering space and time,
always running,

I am a nomad.

Like Tintin,

always getting into a more trouble
than his story is worth,

I am a nomad.

I love stories. I will always adventure along with my fictitious idols. But I will never feel truly satisfied unless I have some adventures of my own.

So come join me, fellow hobbits.

Things I am going to love about China 9 of 100.

2011-01-31T03:40:00.000-08:00

Chinese Food- or in the words of Chandler Bing - “There, they just call it food.”

It is a well known anecdotal phrase in China that “they eat everything with wings except an airplane and anything with legs except the table and chairs” Of course in recent years this has been simplified to “They eat everything except the tables and chairs”.

The phrase may have been shortened due to some of these delicacies on the Chinese menu: Spiders, Monkey Brains, Bee Larvae, Duck Fetus, Rats, Bird Spit, Ox Penis, Snake Blood, and even a partially digested coffee bean from the poo of a small cat-sized mammal (The last being considered a delicacy and the most expensive coffee bean in the world- selling for hundreds of dollars per pound)

So why, do you ask, is this on the list of stuff I’m going to love about China? Look. I can be a picky eater. I detest olives, mushrooms, coconut, seafood, most tropical fruits including pineapple, any kind of green herb, and even almond extract. But even though I hate these dishes, I will still eat them. From time to time I will even reevaluate the preferences of my taste buds. As a rule, I try most everything at least once.

Hell- look at the stuff I've eaten in Kazakhstan.
Horse meat = Good!
Fermented Horse Milk = Vomit!

The thing is some people might think leaving the head on a bird while eating it is gross, but what people forget is they are one apocalypse away from having to scavenge to find food. As a resident of Almaty, Kazakhstan, I know that if the bomb drops tomorrow I’m feasting on street dog.

There is a wonderful scene from J Marten Troost’s book “Lost on Planet China” where he struggles to choke down several live squid while they squirm on his plate. Now, if this had been Troost’s first encounter with Chinese food I’m sure he would have given up, but this was Troost’s turn-around moment in the book. Troost explains how he becomes an animal, ripping the squid apart with his teeth as the uneaten ones watch in horror- waiting to die.

Look. We’re all omnivores. It’s in our DNA. Personally I don’t feel it would be wrong to try and let my primal side take over for a while. It’s part of who I am as a member of Homo Erectus. I've eaten cow and chicken all my life thinking nothing of it. Now it’s time to look at my prey in the eyes and say “Yes, I know that you are a living creature and I am going to devour you with full knowledge that you will not enjoy the process”

Bring on the Spiders. Bring on the Monkey Brains. Bring on the Duck Fetus, the Bird Spit, the Ox Penis. Bring on the Snake Blood, and the partially digested coffee bean. And, yes, bring on the squid.

Things I am going to love about China: 8 of 100.

2011-01-29T23:35:00.000-08:00

Public Transportation

Cathy and I are starting our eighth week without a car in Almaty, Kazakhstan. Cathy’s transmission gave out in mid-December and we have been at the mercy of our friends, the Fitzgerald’s, to get to school every morning. This is why owning a car sucks. Not only is it expensive (in any country) but it is unreliable (especially in winter climates).

The average American spends over $1,500 on gas each year. Now tack on insurance and repairs and you’re looking at over $3,000 dollars per year to own a vehicle. Most people spend an average on 17% of their paycheck on their personal automobiles. Now $3,000 dollars is a lot of money for me and I’d rather spend that money on a month-long trip to some tropical place.

Enter China. Not only is my school going to be a 5 – 10 minute walk from my apartment, everything that I need is going to be within a 5 – 10 minute walk from my apartment. This includes McDonalds, Starbucks, Papa John's Pizza, Wallmart, Dunkin’ Donuts, KFC and I am only listing the western brands (these are things I cannot get in Kazakhstan).

Now, I know what you are thinking. I can’t get everywhere by walking and that’s true. I’m going to want to get out of my neighborhood and swing over to Hong Kong every once in a while. Great! It’s a $15 ferry ride and in an hour-and-a-half I’m there! If I want to go west? A brand new subway system is ready to take me to over 100 locations for 30 cents and the subway ends at my front door.

With 1.5 billion people, China cannot afford the traffic. That is why the public transportation is some of the best in the world. Public transportation in Kazakhstan? Forget busses, (they are confusing and totally unreliable) only gypsy cabs – a glorified means of hitchhiking- will get you where you want to go.

Oh, glorious China, here I come!

Things I am going to love about China: 7 of 100

2011-01-28T22:30:00.000-08:00

Bears.

We want to love them, cuddle them, and squeeze them. We want to make cartoons about how they love to eat honey and bumble happily through the wood. We give them to our children -filled with fluff and stuff- and say, "here cuddle this, it will keep you safe" But behind all the cuteness, most people forget that BEARS WILL EAT YOU!

No species more perfectly emulates this paradox like the Giant Panda. The mammal sits on its butt and eats its chutes and leaves. But people forget that even though 99% of a Giant Panda's diet is bamboo they are still belong to the order of Carnivora. Oh yes, Panda's will eat you.

Oh yes- we humans can even make the most ferocious beasts of the world out of be cute. But that's not the most atrocious thing we've done to this proud species (and, no, I'm not referring to the "Jack Black" movie or its sequel) Over the past hundred years we have poached these wild bears and destroyed their habitat reducing their population to a mere thousand.

Oh, We have tried to amend for our terrible atrocities. Over the past few years we have even tried to repopulate the bears with the use of Bear Porn and Viagra (See links below). But though we succeed in artificially inseminating the panda's, we have never been able to give these black-and-white monster's their pride back.

So, while in China -though I fully to intend to visit the Giant Panda in the little cages that we have put them in- if I ever encounter one in the wild I will look on with full knowledge that if I get too close (like Grizzly Man before me) it will, undoubtedly try and make me its lunch.

Panda Diet = 99% Bamboo. 1% Human-Flesh

(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/2246588.stm) Bear Viagra
(http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/01/25/panda.passion/index.html) Bear Porn

Things I am going to love about China: 6 of 100

2011-01-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

The Terracotta Army

Over 2,000 years ago an emperor had an idea: "Hey," Quin Shi Huang thought to himself, "I've already got a real army, now I want a toy army".

When I was a boy the most disappointing thing about my Star Wars Kenner action figure collection was that I only had one Stormtrooper! I mean, I had all the other good guys; Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, Lando, Ackbar- hell, even Nien Nunb. But who are they going to fight against? One storm trooper?

Now Quin Shi Huang had it right. Not only did he commission an army of 8,000 soldiers, 130 chariots, 520 horses, and 150 cavalry to be built for him- they were life size- bigger even! And they were each individualized. The original Kenner action figure collection fit for an emperor! Even Palpatine would have been jealous!

Quin Shi Huang liked his collection so much that they were buried with him, for two millennia, until they were unearthed in 1974 by some local farmers.

Today, the collection remains unearthed at the resting place of Quin Shi Huang in Shaanxi province, not so far from where I live now, but even closer to where I am going to be living next fall. So will this manufactured wonder warrant a trip from yours-truly? You bet your clay-based-unglazed-ceramic ass it will! Maybe I’ll even bring along my lone plastic Kenner storm trooper.

Things I am going to Love about China: 5 of 100

2010-12-13T07:02:00.000-08:00

The Warm Weather

In light of the horrible winter storms in the Midwest (and the sad collapse of the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome) I would like to include yet another reason why Shekou, China is awesome.

THE WEATHER!

The average temperature of a Shekou winter is 59 - 77 degrees Fahrenheit! Now this doesn't make for a white Christmas but I'm willing to sacrifice that feeling for a few years, in favor of not having to scrape the ice off of the car every morning.

Maybe I'm being a humbug about all this, but last Christmas I almost froze to death for two weeks straight trying to claw my way to Everest Base Camp, so yea, I'm ready for some sunshine.

Things I am going to Love about China: 4 of 100

2010-12-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

Chinese Walmart

There are actually very few countries in the world with a Walmart, so needless to say I can't get my 'Mart on here in Kazakhstan.

But things are about to change! Walmart-China offers a variety of items not found in the USofA. Such as alligators, turtles, frogs, pig-faces, ducks, and even anti-bacterial-bikini-underwear for men!

Now I know what some of you are thinking, "Walmart is Evil". But imagine trying to live in a country where you can't buy your TV-Dinner in the same store where you buy your pantyhose. Where you can't buy your new car tires in the same store where you buy your baby crib (Especially when the Tire Store is on the other side of the city of the Baby-Crib Store).
Imagine!

Check out more here!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/16-products-they-only-sell-at-chinese-walmarts

Thins I am going to Love about China: 3 of 100

2010-12-09T03:49:00.000-08:00

The Tall Buildings

Yes that's right. Eleven of the 20-tallest buildings on Earth are in China. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be able to see 5 of these from my the balcony of my apartment.

Now, I've already been to the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building on Earth, in Dubai. And I've been on the top of the Empire State building and the Sears Tower (Before it was renamed Willis Tower after Bruce Willis) and I was in the Twin Towers about a month before those things went down. So being able to see more ridiculously tall buildings is going to be great!

Check out the full list here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_tallest_buildings_in_the_world

Things I am going to Love about China: 2 of 100

2010-12-08T04:10:00.001-08:00

Chopsticks

Look to your left. Look to your right. If you are sitting between two Chinese people then chances are both of them use Chopsticks instead of forks and knives. Chopsticks were invented in China over 3,000 years ago and has since spread to most of South East Asia. Chopstick Facts:

*About one-third of the people in the world eat with chopsticks on a daily basis.

*In China, 45 billion pairs of chopsticks are used and thrown away annually.
That's 25 million fully grown trees every year.

*Chopstick length varies by country and by gender.
In Japan, chopstick stores will measure the length of your palm to fit your chopsticks perfectly.

* The Chinese call chopsticks "kwaitze" which means "quick ones."
"Chop, Chop" is pigeon-Chinese-English for "Quick".

*Small children often use training chopsticks (like bikes).
By Kindergarten children are usually capable of using the sticks like an adult!

Things I am going to love about China: 1 of 100

2010-12-07T04:54:00.000-08:00

Disneyland Hong Kong

There are only 4 cities in the world with a Disneyland and I am going to live within a 45-minute fairy-ride of one of them. Like the Disneyland in California, the Chinese counterpart has Sleeping Beauty's Castle, a Jungle Cruise, and Space Mountain!

Admission is 350 dollars for a day pass. (Luckily that's Hong Kong dollars, so only $45 American!)

Here's to wondering what a Mandarin Donald Duck might sound like... or what a Mandarin Duck might taste like... yum!